Mikelle 2020

As most of you probably know, Mr. Kanye (Yeezy) West has announced, very abruptly, that he will be running for President of the United States of America in the year 2020.  If you hadn't heard that, then you should really turn on your T.V. or computer more because that is old news, my friend.  Now, as much as I kind of (not really) respect Kanye, I know that I would be a better President for these reasons (there are obviously an infinite amount, but I thought I would make it short for the readers at home):

1.  Kanye may love himself more than anything else, but I love dinosaur nuggets even more. (Self explanatory)
2.  I will print more money because nobody has time for debt (*cough cough* thank Costco for that one).
3.  With Kanye as President, every speech will be 20+ minutes long. . . Do you want to sit through that, America?  That's what I thought.  Instead of speaking, I will just broadcast old Jonas Brothers music videos.  That says enough.
4.  I will make another language for our Nation, but only the Pope and I will learn it.  Let the confusion begin.
6.  Inaugural address?  No, thanks.  Instead of doing that boring stuff, I will stand up in front of millions of Americans, and perform a spoken word version of Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody.  Mama, ooh.
7. I will make every classic 80's movie's anniversary be a holiday where everyone has to watch that movie.  Our children need a true education on what is actually important in life (you will thank me later).
8.  Kanye may be able to rap, but can he rap in Spanish?  Got that one on you, Kanye.
9. I have hair. Exhibit A:

(Beauty captured by Urban Islandz)

Or do I...?

(Egg baby creds to mi madre)

10. As Rachael says, I have better facial hair than Kanye.  Thanks man, you're such a good friend.

Now, I know what you may be thinking: What are your thoughts on *states political issue*?
Well, I will tell you, fine citizen.

The answer to anything and everything is this:
"If it sounds stupid, it probably is."
-Mikelle

You also may be wondering: Where is number 5?  The same answer applies.  I do what I want.

Kanye, being a multi millionaire, has a little bit of an advantage when it comes to campaigning.  Me, on the other hand, will have to improvise.  If you vote for me, you will get an Easter sticker from my grocery store collection (it's very exclusive).  You may be wondering: "Why would I want an Easter sticker if it's not even Easter?"  But honestly, why wouldn't you?  Also, if you are a dedicated member of the Mikelle party, and yes it is a real thing, then I might even throw in an expired coupon to Justice.  Free of charge *wink wink*.

If you vote for me, I will improve school lunches to Café Rio status, make every grocery store give free stickers 24/7, and I will begone with fake hair.  I'm talking to you, Donald.  We all know you're hair isn't that luscious.

Things That Shouldn't Be Things

As I have learned from my many years on this Earth, there are a lot of different things here.  Some are good things, and some should just not. For example: does anyone really like t.v. commercials? No, because they take time away from your favorite soap opera and/or various guilty pleasure shows.  No me gusta.  Here are 20 things that I truly believe should not exist:

1. Age limits on kids' meals

I am a free American citizen, and if I want chicken fingers, you better give me my chicken fingers.  There should never be an age limit on dreams.

2. Restaurants that only serve breakfast until 11

If I am lazy enough to get breakfast at a restaurant instead of just making cereal at home, asking me to go to the restaurant before 11 is just asking too much.  I’m only one person.

3. Homework that takes longer than an hour to complete.

I shouldn't have to explain this one.

4. Youtube re-makes

Repeating the same thing someone else said will never be as fun as the original.  #sorrynotsorry

5. The Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelors in Paridise

I don’t care about you’re love life, especially not if you have to pick from 12 other attention seekers, to give a mere rose to.  I am not spending an entire season of my life waiting for you to give a girl/guy something that you can buy at Smith's for $9.99.

6. Croc Charms

Seriously, why did anyone ever find enjoyment in those? I will never understand.

7. Crocs

Even if they weren’t shaped like a mix between swiss cheese and clown shoes, they would still be ugly.

8. Snuggies'

They are just backwards bath robes that allow no cuddling whatsoever.  Not that I would ever have the need to cuddle anyone, but if the time comes you should always be prepared.  Just get a onesie instead.

(Gorgeous 'camel' snuggie captured by Snuggie Blanket Shop)

9. Spoilers

If you know the ending to my favorite book, movie, or T.V. show and you tell me that ending, we can no longer be friends.

10. Starbucks “coffee” drinks

If your “coffee” has more sugar and cream then it does coffee, it’s not coffee and you need to stop.

11. Foods that are unnecessarily deep fried

Fried strawberries, really?  You’re the reason why a large percentage of Americans are obese.

12. School lunches

If I can’t identify what I am eating without reading it on a white-board, it should not be sold to children.

13. Mice

Sorry Cinderella, but some of us talk to people about our problems, not disease-carrying rodents.

14. Mosquitoes

Do not suck my blood, it’s disgusting.  Only Daemon and/or Stephen Salvatore from Vampire Diaries have access to my blood.  Case closed.

15. Hotel soap

We all know that’s not a real scent.

16. People who make no effort to talk to you, but ask why you never talk to them.

In other words, the people who all they have to say to you is "HAGS".

17. Ads that don’t let you skip them

I am happy with the car insurance I have, Geico.  Now please let me stream my music in peace.

(Inspiration brought to you from Girl Scouts Western Pennsylvania)

18. Chain emails/texts
I've never forwarded your email and my mom is still alive, thank you very much.

19. People who talk through movies
I did not pay $7.50 to hear about your day, just watch the movie.

20. Keyboard clicks
Now the whole world knows how slow you text (I'm talking to you, Mom)

Somewhat Unfortunate Fetus Events

Everyone has an embarrassing moment or two as a child that haunt them for the rest of their lives. Being the person I am now, one can only imagine how I was as a small human.  As requested, this post is going to explain only a few of these events in time.  And as much as I may deny, some of these stories are more recent than I would like to admit.  On that note, let's do this.

Story #1 The Mac-and-Cheese House:

I will tell you a little of a backstory before I get into this one.  Growing up, I lived next to a family of three girls, one in which was my age.  Let's just say that these girls weren't the nicest people ever.  I was on a soccer team at the time, and the neighbor my age was on our rival team, so that only added to the tension.  I couldn't just let these girls go around being mean, right?  So I took matters into my own hands.
Mac and cheese was a huge part of my diet as a kid, especially when my homies came over (shoutout to my people over at Kraft).  One day in particular, my best friend Thomas (names will be changed for obvious reasons) was over at my house.  My mom made mac and cheese for us and we were sitting in my backyard.  He knew how much I disliked these girls, and we ended up throwing most of our mac and cheese at the neighbor's house, over my fence.  If you think that is the worst part, then you are sadly mistaken.  The small pieces of artificial-cheese covered pasta ended up sticking to their house, with no sign of falling off any time soon.  After that, every time Thomas came over, we would strategically save most of our macaroni and cheese to throw at the neighbor's house.  Not only did they stick for days, but two years later, when moving out of that house, we found the hard pieces of macaroni still stuck all over the side of my neighbor's house.  Don't mess with me, man.  You might find macaroni stuck to your house.

Story #2 The Not-so Amazing Allyson

It was around Christmas time when I was around seven or eight.  I had been begging for six months for my parents (and santa) to get me an Amazing Allysen doll.

(Photo from Toy Directory)

Not only was this doll super fashionable to young Mikelle, but she would also talk to you and "do things" with you.  I put quotations right there because she didn't actually do those things, but hey it's the thought that counts.  (She was quite expensive, also.)  Anyway, I was extremely excited to see none other than an Amazing Allysen doll under the Christmas tree that morning.  I spent countless hours playing with it, completely mesmerized by it.  Later that night, my family was sitting in the kitchen while I was in the living room right next to the kitchen, playing with my new best friend.  When I finally was done talking to my doll, I pressed her left hand for her to go to sleep, as she had instructed. Only when I pressed her hand, she did not go to sleep.  Instead she said, "Do you want to go shopping?"  I replied with, "No, go to sleep."
This process repeated a couple times until I started getting frustrated.  I don't remember much of this story, but as my family says, they looked over to the living room to see little me, crying and banging my Amazing Allysen doll on the ground.  Yelling, "SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP" many times until I eventually hid her under the couch, still crying.  The moral of this story is, if someone squeezes your left hand, don't ask them to go shopping.

I think that is enough embarrassment for one person so, that will be the end of this post.  Before you start crying, there will most likely be many posts on even more embarrassing stories in the future.